I know, I have mentioned Dr Amy Johnson on my blog before. I have listening to her podcast for years and thoroughly enjoy her ability to touch on some pretty complex, esoteric, profound topics with a degree of clarity that is enviable.
When she recently reached out and asked for volunteers to do a recorded coaching session that she would use on the podcast I put my hand up. The result has just been published.
To be honest, I feel nervous making this public because some of it feels very personal, and it may come across as too woo woo for some of you. But, on the other hand, hearing our conversation may be of help to some of you as well.
So, anyway, here you go…
The Obvious? 
OMG. This – all of this podcast and what you and Amy discussed – has been EXACTLY what I have been going through and feeling. I’ve often wondered why I seem (my thoughts) seem to derail plans (stories in my head). Why haven’t I progressed with work as I thought I would be? Why couldn’t I make my own consulting business successful like others? Why do I feel like a phoney when I’m doing my work. Etc. For a long time I’ve been thinking that there was something wrong with me and I’ve realised it’s my own thinking. I’m simply thinking too much coming up with so many options and What Ifs and How Could I until the point reached is doing nothing at all. Paralysis by analysis in some way.
Then I look at others and see what they do and I think, “yeah but I don’t want that either but I have to be doing something don’t I? Don’t people think I’m mad that I don’t have work, or seen as doing something, anything?” But what? Then I think it must be an outcome of how I grew up. (I grew up in a really strict house – really strict – to the point that I needed counselling which helped me immensely with how I deal with certain situations which radically improved relations) to the point that it’s not an issue anymore. (Or maybe how I feel today are remnants of how I grew up?).
Well anyway, I still think there is a bigger picture. I keep telling myself to enjoy the moment and the day and not get too wrapped up with plans. It’s okay that I’m bored. It’s okay that I don’t want to go back into the corporate world, be an “entrepreneur” and follow the crowd.
One of the things I’m trying to do is the OPPOSITE of what everyone else is doing just to get a reaction. Get off social media. Quit work. Have days where I lie in bed with the cat reading. Play golf when I want. On a whim, drive anywhere. Walk anywhere. Have no plans.
The big thing? Don’t feel guilty about it.
I have to look up the people you mentioned here. Tony Parsons?
I’ve been going through my own reflective process for a while and some of it is probably seen in my ramblings in my blog. I’m trying to come up with answers as to what role I play in this bigger world. Maybe my role is to enjoy life and each day as it comes. Maybe Amy is right. Maybe this is what it’s meant to be. Maybe we have reached a place that many haven’t reached but what is keeping us from accepting it is thinking that we need to be doing something else? Being something else?
I think we are the luckiest people.
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I am so glad that this resonated with you Helen. Amy is so smart and so good at explaining things. I really recommend going back through her podcast episodes. and her books are great too. The latest one “Just a thought” (not her choice of title) is fab.
There is a lot of writing about non-duality out there. Tony Parson’s books are good but can be extreme. Joan Tollifson is worth reading as is Toni Packer. Rupert Spira is excellent and I am currently really enjoying Paul Hedderman. But like we said on the podcast reading can be a displacement activity from just being with what is!
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I’ll check out these people and read more. I’ll definitely look at Amy’s other podcasts. I’ve been going through this process myself over this time trying to grapple with things. I haven’t listened to any podcasts or read books. (I am doing the Know Thyself course on Coursera but true to form, I’m even questioning that and getting me down more rabbit warren thinking). There was a point in the interview that I teared up. That point was when she said that maybe life is meant to be like the theme park we are seeing – it is what it is. Not the world we make it out to be in our heads. I’m slowly coming to that conclusion.
I came to this point in my life through different decisions and outcomes. I’m meant to be here, this moment. If I had made different choices, I may be elsewhere but then, they didn’t happen or eventuate so why bother thinking about them?
I could blame my strict childhood and all the crap that came with that but a trip to Greece some years back made me realise that my parents also had their own crap to deal with. So in a way, it was being passed from one generation to the next. I made some choices in life (eg marrying late; not having kids) out of fear that I’d have that gene pushed down the generation of being a crappy parent and didn’t want to do that. It just means I was putting stuff at arm’s length so I could protect myself.
I’m only just realising this. I thought I had gone through this self reflection in my mid 30s when I confronted them but now in my 50s, going through menopause, it’s like it all came tumbling back.
I’ve often said that in some way I wanted a switch. A switch to “turn off” and then “turn on” again so things are different – I’m different. Or at least, think differently. Think less. Then I realise I just need to enjoy the moments. The here and now. Not to get worked up about stuff. I don’t know why some people have this knack. I’d like to turn off the chatter in my head.
Out of that interview I thought about what things make me truly happy. For me, now I’m enjoying golf because it’s the only sport so far that I’m not thinking. The chatter in my head is muted. Similarly, when I’m travelling overseas, discovering places on my own or immersed into creative projects where there’s flow. I’m chasing those moments but they don’t seem to come into my life often. They’re like a drug in some way.
Anyway I’ve rambled on. Thanks for sharing the link. I’ll check out the other people you mentioned.
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Ah, free will and responsibility, those two figments of our imagination.
Given the incredible complexity of events and interactions that had to have taken place for us to be here now having this conversation, neither of us had any choice. And in this moment, as we feel as though we are actively choosing what we do next, in fact our subconscious has already decided, based on its history and conditioning, and our conscious brain retro fits an imaginary agency.
So we have no control. Thoughts come and go without our bidding. And we get to sit calmly by watching the show…
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I can out woo woo you anytime 😀
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Euan thank you for sharing this. I found it helpful and I admire your courage to be with this kind of conversation.
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Thanks Joh. Glad you found it helpful.
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Hi Euan
I’ve listened to Dr Johnson for quite a while, as well as many other speakers, and also read many books – chasing this dream of a life that fits. It was lovely to hear a familiar local(?) accent working through such resonant queries. Best wishes on the quest!
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I am really glad you enjoyed it Nicola and thanks for letting me know. I just hope that those for whom my accent isn’t “local” had a clue what I was talking about!
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Picking up on the “local” where are you based. I grew up in Strathaven but have lived near London since 1984.
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Interesting discussion, but stil not landing 🙂 Circling the airport!
For me, Tai Chi partner work gets me grounded. They extend into your space, you absorb/deflect and then return into their space. Eventually one of you over/under-extends and you are trapped.
Ebb and flow. learn your limits. listen intently.
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All traditions, disciplines, and paths end up converging on the perennial philosophy eventually.
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