Drifting

I am currently drifting. My work as a speaker and consultant has been diminishing for a while and is now pretty much on tickover. To fill the gaps I learned how to drive HGVs and have enjoyed the challenge but I am frightened by it on a too regular basis. Although I have been doing it for a year now I still get a knot in my stomach the day before I know I am going to be driving a large truck, and get a sense of relief when I find out that I am only going to be driving a van.

On a good day I enjoy the craft of controlling such a large piece of machinery, and I love getting to move around the countryside and beyond into Europe. But the stress of working with different businesses all the time is getting to me. Having to feel stupid at the start of too many days takes its toll.

So what to do? I don’t feel inclined to start marketing myself for the consulting and speaking. I never really did. I wrote stuff, people read it, and work came in. I am not even really sure why this has changed. But I am not sorry. A lot of it felt unreal. I don’t think of myself as an expert let alone a guru and impostor syndrome has always been a real issue.

While trying to help people I would keep feeling that what I was talking about wasn’t rocket science and they could and should be doing it for themselves. I am a good learner but not a natural trainer. In fact I think that one of the problems of the world of work these days is that people are too passive. They wait to be trained or to be told what to learn. They aren’t curious and they don’t seek new opportunities to learn.

So I am drifting. I will keep responding to things that turn up, either speaking or driving, do them to the best of my ability, and see what happens next.

Maybe that’s not a bad way to be after all…

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